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When They Leave You: Be Emotion and Money-Resilient

Maribeth
Sep 27, 2016
3 min read

I had this post on Facebook a few days ago...

It acutally hit home to some of my soloista friends.

From what I learned from experience is that It's no longer important to determine whether your partner has a tendency to be cheat and/or leave you in the future. It will be so much unfair to judge/label somebody without probable cause. It will also be unwise to be resolved in a belief that a person will remain unchange in the future (Didn't I mention that people usually have changes in their beliefs in every 5 years?). Yes, the husband you knew 5 years ago is likely a bit different today. That explains why the first 5 years of married life is the crucible stage of marriage, it actually tells you if your marriage will tend to last longer if you stick happily together for the first 5 years. Consider it a milestone to pass through that.

My point: Check on each other every now and then, see what's changed in them.

So therefore, what I think is that more important is for a person to survive emotionally and even financially when separation (by will or death) happens.

Most likely it was the women who suffer more when parting ways, especially when children are involved. I am not saying that men do not suffer as much, of course they also go through the grieving process. But child care is often left on the mother's responsibility. Great to see if the enstranged folks are amicable in sharing care and costs in raising kids. But what (in most cases) it is not? So if you are a single parent, not only you have to deal with your own emotions, but also have to deal with the reality of handling things alone from here on.

Moving forward...

I'm not trying to push you to paranoia or fear, but as I have learned and observed with strong people. Emotional preparedness is just like any calamity preparedness we practice. Calamities like thypoons, earthquakes or fire does not come often but it does come and hits when the least we expect it. How about out emotional and financial calamities? Are you prepared?

Why do I keep on putting emotion and money together. Well, if you would notice, you often feel much empowered if you have the money to move on. Notice the difference if you do not have money.

What can you do now to be emotionally-resilient? Remember that keeping an open mind will make you more prepared.

Always keep an open communication with your spouse. Trust each other more.
Be honest and talk about scenarios about what happens if your relationship does not work anymore.
Also talk about what happens if one of you went missing, dies unexpectedly or becomes terminally-ill.
Be open to the fact that we cannot control what other people will feel about us. What we can control is how we value ourselves.

Now, financial-resilience is something you will work on. You might need to change your habits and perception about money if you have to. Some examples are:

Listing down all you debts and other obligations for both parties. This will give you an idea how much effort you need to eliminate debts.

Is your individual income enough to live separately? So if you depend on your spouse' income, what will you do if that income is gone? (insert sickness and disability here)
How much you need to work on to make your dreams (like a home, education, travel) come true?
How much monthly income do you need to live confortably and raise the kids?
How much do you have to save for retirement and medical costs in cases of major sickness or end of life stage?

You know, people tend to lose control of their money when they are sad and depressed. So both aspects are important in the whole process of moving on (put a #hugot hashtag in there). Take care not just your broken heart but your money as well.